Taylors Helping Hands is a charitable organization dedicated to the memory of Taylor E Cothran.

  2 Corinthians 1:2-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Churst, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."(NIV)


Home Moms Blog

June 27, 2010

Wow. All I can say is wow. What a week. Moving 6 hours every night in 96 degree weather. After 8 hours of clinical. I am very worn out. On the plus side, it was such a hard week physically, it made the move from our home to different places not as sad as it would've been. No time to lament or reminence on good times.

I was told to report to the ER in a hospital on thursday. Everyone who had been said their day was boring, just some small stuff and 8 hours to sit and wait for the few abdominal pain or non descript ailings. So I was hopeful for a day to relax for the final push to move.

I get there, find my way to the ER, meet my preceptor and heard the words, "Motorcycle vs car, 8 minutes out!" What? I just got here it's 7:15 am! And just like the TV shows, everyone gathers around, the girls who'll take blood, the nurses in place for thier jobs, the doc, respiratory therapists... 30 people I bet. So I stand back-way back! Precepetor told me I could come in the room, but with massive head trauma- not wearing a helmet- I figured I would just go into a emotional breakdown so I stood back. Started praying.

They coudln't get a pulse, he coded in the ambulance. At a point they could move him in the building it was ON! Paramedics hollaring his stats, all the team waiting jump on him like ants at a picnic. I could see his feet, they weren't moving. "He's bleeding from his ear and pretty much from everywhere". Nurse on his chest doing CPR. Then everyone turned around and started leaving. Solomn looks, one nurse looked at me and shook her head. Pronounced dead at 7:23 am. About to make a call to the family. "I know he left for work this morning, but I hate to tell you he's been in an accident and he didn't make it."  54 years old.

Curtain closed they proceded to prepare him for the coroner. Room 1A

In room 2A was a young man, not sure his age, but under 25 for sure. Decided to hang himself the night before with a chain you take out car motors, tied it to a tree. But, instead of doing what he planned, he 'only' got far enough to make him a semi vegetable for life. He was so aggitated, fists drawn- hands and feet tied to the bed, flailing around. Like he knew he wanted to leave this life and now he is permantly stuck in nowhere.

Back in room 1A, a lively but very sick 92 year old with breathing problems, she'd had a stroke 10 years ago, paralized on her left side and in a nursing home. Struggling to breathe, but she wanted to talk! Her birthday is tuesday and she's having lobster and shrimp from Red Lobster- already got it ordered! Everyone who came in she told, and told you again! She was in pain, hungry and wanted some thing to drink. Even brought her own ginger ale cause she knew they didn't have it! She always said please and thank you, but if you hurt her, she'd call you on it! "I'm sorry I stuck you", "NO you're not! You're not sorry 1 bit!!!" She became the patient everyone knew! When I was about to leave I went to say goodbye. She told me stories about how she started Meals on Wheels in Anderson.Washed turnip greens in her washer! Ran it until 10 years ago, to retire. Said she had a good income and a house and was ready to enjoy life. She used to get a steak and potato with a glass of wine on friday nites to watch tv. Then 30 days later, she had a stroke. In the nursing home until today. She told me she had 'plans', and now 'look at me'. She wondered why God has kept her here, what purpose she had. I told her that I thought she was here to make people laugh and I sure did feel blessed to have met her. I started to tear up, my birthday is monday, hers tuesday. We both had plans. And in some ways we're living the same life, only different.

So, on tuesday, if you can- have a lobster tail and shrimp- (and a glass of champagne she thought might come her way!!!) In honor and memory of lives lived, lost, long term dying, and instant dying and not being able to die, just exist.

3 Patients in one day offered me a prospective about life, and death I never expected. Not a boring day at all.

 

June 19, 2010

What kind of a time warp am I in? School winding down, and I wish it was slowing down- in 5 weeks. Sold the house and moving before next friday. Not things that make a grieving mother at her best. I'm about to get kicked out of school because, well I think I have maddened the powers that be, older students tend to be less likely to tolerate or adapt to things that a youngster just assumes is another "I'm the boss, you're the kid." Doesn't work well when your 'bosses' are either a couple years older than you or WAY younger!!!! But, God's in charge. My friend keeps saying He wouldn't bring us this close to leave us here, but God's ways aren't always like a dot to dot picture. Rarely ever are.

I've been packing and moving for 2 days straight, another full week of hoping I don't get 'fired' from school and the closing. Then I'm, well, I'm alot of things. I'm out of a house I lived in for 10 years.

I'm moving into an apartment with Tara. Tom's moving to the lake. Change. Good, bad- change.

Not the things that make a grieving mother at her best...

 

 

June 13, 2010

Maybe it's that I'm so physically tired from getting up at 6 to work at the hospital all day, come home and pack for an hour and do it again the next day. Maybe it's that I'm mentally tired from studying for 200 question tests every week, besides the 200 questions we have as homework every week. Maybe it's that my heart is broken thinking about the final step in our family taking the last step at breaking apart.

In less than 2 weeks, we'll be moving. I have no idea where I'm going. It seemed easy 4 weeks ago and now- not so easy. Tom's going to the lake to 'get away from me and Tara for awhile'. Not that I blame him, I've been so self involved with my own pain and my needs that I left him out of my life, such as it was -I mean who would want in that???

But now I see clearly what was muddy, things are changing and I'm totally unable to control them. A lesson God keeps teaching me, and yet- I just don't ever learn.

We had a garage sale yesterday. As I looked out over our lives, spread out on the driveway- I saw things that I used to think of as totally cool, beautiful, trendy, new- 10 years later, they're old tired, dated, worn out, falling apart. Strangers peeking over what we've collected, taking some, leaving alot.

I thought, man, how I thought 10 years ago I was the bees knees- living large in a nice hood- things about me that were sparkly- new house- we were going places!

10 years almost to the DAY, I sit in that yard and see how something we thought was everything we needed and wanted become the best and worst times of my life.

Well, I need to try and find a place for me and Tara to move, before I pack some, study some and get to bed for 6am wake up call to clinical. Doing a gallbladder operation by 7:30am....

 

June 6, 2010

A hymn for today. I've been singing it all morning, don't know why, but it must be on my heart. Packing, studying, going to school/hospital every day. My back is in a spasm, which is lovely, I need to keep packing and to operate at 7am tomorrow. I've been praying about this move, I know it's God's timing, we've had it for sale since Thanksgiving. But this is about the most stressful month to do it of the whole year. Thank you God- but why now? I can't see myself being able to get through this month with out your power and strength.

Then God spoke to me, "Didn't I bring you through the most aweful time in you life?

Who carried you though the task of watching your first born die in front of your eyes?

Allowed you to go home from Columbia only to be met by the pastor to arrange for a funeral in 2 days?

 Who walked beside you as you walked behind your sons casket?

 Who kept your eyes from going blind as you watched the hurse carry him in front of you to the grave site?

This my daughter, will be a cake walk! If I can do all that, then I'll be with you now."

How true....

 

Lyrics: James Rowe
Music: Howard E. Smith

I was sinking deep in sin, far from the peaceful shore,
Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more,
But the Master of the sea, heard my despairing cry,
From the waters lifted me, now safe am I.

Refrain:
Love lifted me! Love lifted me!
When nothing else could help
Love lifted me!
Love lifted me! Love lifted me!
When nothing else could help
Love lifted me!

All my heart to Him I give, ever to Him I’ll cling
In His blessed presence live, ever His praises sing,
Love so mighty and so true, merits my soul’s best songs,
Faithful, loving service too, to Him belongs.

Souls in danger look above, Jesus completely saves,
He will lift you by His love, out of the angry waves.
He’s the Master of the sea, billows His will obey,
He your Savior wants to be, be saved today.

 

June 1, 2010

This may not be such a good time to discuss life. I notice our bird family has grown up and moved on.

We sold our house last week.

 We've been here 10 years and in 3 weeks we'll be moving on.

 Taylor was starting middle school. Tara just finished her junior year in high school. That's alot of time. He was 11, and she's almost 17.

 We moved in with nothing but the best of intentions, and we leave, broken, scared along with a relief to be leaving the past behind and yet, not wanting to move into the future.

 I started packing Taylors room today. I know that I wouldn't have been able to do this these past 2 1/2 years, but with time on my side and knowing that I HAVE to pack -not that I'm packing up his life, I started this task. Not too bad, but for some reason every time I walked in his room I started singing, "They long to be, close to you". I sang that song every time I packed anything. Packing up for a move is a pain. But you know that you'll be seeing it soon. As I packed up his Pokemon cards, his graduation stuff, his clothes, his memories- I realized that I'm packing up for him and there won't be anyplace to unpack. His toothbrushes- did I throw them away- no way- they went in the box! I found his tae quan do belts in the attic along with all his tropheys from swimming, baseball, football... Put it in the box! I wish I could handle my emotions and my pain as easily as just put it in the box-

 Where we'll go from here- I don't know actually. I have to finish school, Tara's starting her senior year in high school. No need to make permanent plans.

But I guess that's true of life- the only permanant plan is the one we'll spend in our perfect home. Taylor's got a room already, has everything he needs. And I still have his toothbrushes...

 

 

Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you

Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue

That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue

That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
Just like me (Just like me)
They long to be
Close to you

 
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