Taylors Helping Hands is a charitable organization dedicated to the memory of Taylor E Cothran.

  2 Corinthians 1:2-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Churst, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."(NIV)


Home Moms Blog

August 8, 2010

"Come all you who are burdened and heavy laiden and I will give you rest."

This is the 2nd time today I have heard this verse from 2 different pastors I listened to today. Something tells me God is trying to tell me something.

Rest isn't my strong suit. If I try and take a nap during the day, I usually end up with my heart beating faster thinking about what I need to be doing instead of resting. So I end up getting up feeling less rested when I laid down and proceed to do 'something'. Anything but rest.

This summer definately hasn't been about rest. 10 week power push from school, a 250 question test each tuesday, 32 hour clinicals each week from 7-3. 2000 question homework due, 500 question tests to do online, a 500 question final, and the last week of school was a final push of study days, personal acessment exam and the certification of 200 questions on friday. I worked saturday and sunday. Rehursal monday, pinning ceremony tuesday and I worked thurs, friday and saturday about 26 hours. I work monday and tuesday 16 hours and THEN, I 'plan on' resting.

But for now, I am burdened and heavy laiden. I see it, feel it, think it and am living it.

Worried about my family, my husband lives an hour drive away, I can't see him or know if he's ok or if he even misses me. Does absence make the heart grow fonder or is it out of sight out of mind?

I'm in need of rest. God knows it. Put your yoke upon me He says. But I continue to try and carry my yoke and anyone elses I can snag and put upon my shoulders.

Psalm 37 in my Bible is penciled in "FRET NOT". The pastor in Columbia preached on that one today. I've underlined it, * it,colored in the word DO NOT FRET! I understood it, but these past months, I've not remembered it.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently on Him.

2 more things I don't do well, still and patient.

Thank you God for reminding me of what you need of me, what I desperately need of you.

I know that I don't rest, still or patient well, and I know the more I pray for each of these means that I'll be strengthened by the opposite of them.

I am heavy laiden, tired, out of patience, everything is out of whack right now. Alot of changes, another of my non favorites. What are you teaching me through this? What is the devine purpose? I know you have plans for all this unrest and change.

If you can use anyone God you can use me, bring rest to my spirit and allow me the ability to be still and KNOW you are GOD. In the midst of this storm, bring the still water and allow me to find the rest that only comes from your grace and mercy.

Thank you for safe keeping, I know that I messed up and took charge, got impatient and didn't be still. Tried to be God when only you are. Forgive me and thank you for mercy, for which I don't deserve.

Show me how to do this. I'm tired of trying to do it by my own strength, and now I am heavy laiden, yoked to the grindstone.

Your ways are much better than mine.

Amen.

 

July 29, 2010

Today is the end of another era. Tomorrow I take the surgical technology program certification. I started in August last year. But started the pre-requesites I needed in August 2008. Seems after 5 years anatomy and computers change enough you have to redo them inorder to stay abreast. I get the computer info, and in retrospect, taking anatomy and microbiology made a great reintroduction into the world of academia I had long forgotten. So, it's been 2 years since I started this journey to a new life, career.

Well, I got the new life, albeit not the one I planned on when I started. And the new career, well, funny that I don't have a nibble at a hospital job, but the large retail optical company I went to work for in January on weekends is now my 'new' career. I wanted to be out of the business when we sold our store after Taylor passed away. Hated the field, but now I understand how good it feels to be an 'expert' and not a newbie with no experience noone wants to hire in an OR. Funny.

So, it's been a journey. It's been fun, and then not so much. Maybe I bit off more than my brain and heart could undertake, but now it's done. No more tests, clinicals, studying, pressure. I'm glad to the point of jubliation! But in a way it's sad. My life for the past 2 years is again, finished and now I have to move on.

I've been moving on for awhile now and I'd like to just sit still for awhile.

I've learned alot about myself, how I could overcome the tirals of a 50 year old college student, relearning how to study, test and venture into scary clinical experiences, meeting new people, going to new hospitals, learning from strangers how to preform surgeries. I've touched a beating heart, held livers, run the camera in a gallbladder surgery, watched a robotic hysterectomy, mastectomies...

2 month old babies and 80 year olds. And then my classmates, strangers last August and family today, And after our pinning on tuesday, I'll probably not see 90% of them again.

A journey of school and a journey of me. I know I can do anything I have to, with God's hand. Things I didn't think I could. I almost quit a 100 times, but I finished the task. I am stronger than I thought, capable of enduring obstacles I wanted to run from.

I made mistakes, one in which I wish I had been home more this year. Basically abandoned my family to keep up with this task. Now I hope to be able to start my new journey, with my 'new' life and my 'old' career. Maybe I can bring them back together.

I have after tomorrow to get it done....

 

July 18, 2010

Dear Taylor,

Wow, what a life you left us here with. I know, you didn't intend on leaving us, much less with this.

But I noticed something last week. Tara sent you a couple of facebook posts and I realized that in the past few weeks, I've "gotten used to" not having you around. Not that I don't think about you constantly or wait for an opportunity to tell anyone with 1 ear about you, but that without seeing you or talking to you or anything, I've become accustomed to not having that. I don't know if that's good or bad. I feel sometimes like a fireman- you put out the fire that's in front of you and forget the fire yesterday and can't even imagine the fire that's not set- you just put out the fire in front of you. And someone must be an arsonist because seems like there's been alot of fires. So, I looked at your 16x20 graduation picture in my room and LOOKED at it, realizing I've not "seen" you lately, and I don't know how I became used to that. Maybe God sends some fires so that you focus on now. I think He knows that I couldn't have gotten through the past month looking for you and remembering how you aren't around. Maybe it's that in this apartment, you don't have a room, even though I 'live' in a room using your furniture, your bed, if you didn't know whol lived here you would swear it's a college boy! Who wears girls clothes!

I haven't visited you in a month or so, just don't have time, yeah I said it, and I hate it, but there's no fire at Woodlawn. It's all safe and sound there.

I miss you more every day I wake up to breathe. And here we go into Tara's senior year. She got her portraits done- you would be so amazed at how beautiful you sister is now! I can't wait to put up her 16x20 photo up next to yours! She misses you, and by her posts to you, hasn't gotten "used to" not having you around. She loves you so very much, and I know in her heart she knows how proud you would be of her. You left her just as she was beginning to bloom, and I know how much she wants to have her big brother to show her off and all you would be doing together, telling her the ins and outs of college life, what you learned, what guys to stay away from, how to become a grown up. But I know you would be proud of who she is, in spite of her trauma of losing her hero. And you are still her hero. Forever.

I love you son, and even though life's gotten 'routine' just know our hearts break for you with each minute, please comfort your dad, he's so devistated even as I write. He saw a movie last night and the quote he remembered was "I had a son once..." He can't seem to  'get used to' not having you around. I know you wish he would realize the life you would want him to have, in spite of your death, but it's a bitter pill to swallow.

I'll see you soon, no fires, just me and you, being quiet and resting...

mommie

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 10, 2010

What a week. Vacation. As if! I'm so tired and the thought of 7 days resting like a patient in the hospital made me happy! Gone are the days of every spare day we had we'd plan a trip to the beach. But those were the days of 'familly', and what's left now is so fragmented that what was once a haven, has become another memory to jump out from behind a palm tree.

Mom decided to last minute book a trip to Folly Beach. Everyone in my family loves Folly. They went for years when 'my' family (Tom, me Tara and Taylor) would vacation at Garden City.

As it turns out, 3 summers ago to the day almost, the last vacation we took as a family, -my mom ect and 'my' family- together was to Folly. Tara and I went down early and Tom and Taylor came down a day later since they took a tour of USC to register for classes and get his freshman info. He was happy as a clam! All of a sudden he felt all grown up, had is USC ID in pocket and was officially a Gamecock.

This photo is the last one of Taylor and Tara together there. Who could know that he'd only be here with us a few more weeks. We were waiting for a table for supper. Folly is quitequaint and small, the whole thing is about 3 blocks. As Dr. Graham said, "you can't swing a wet squrrel and not hit something of consequence!

You know I was there for 2 days and not one time did I 'see' the place we went to eat that last night. Going down the street, left eye closed, going up right eye closed!

The drive home is always longer. The traffic thick. I just wanted to go 'home', even though I don't really know where home is. This apartment is where I stay. Tom's at the lake living, so home to me is still packed away in a box, emotionally. But wanted to be where my stuff was.

Tara knows how sad I've been and how I'm trying to do what's right for her in her last year of high school and commit to work on my marriage which at this point is all but flatlined. But I'm working hard to make things right, change his heart and bring us back together- even if he's kicking and screaming!

So Tara said she found the perfect song for me, one that she knew was 'me'! I said there's no way you can even know what that would be! Then she played a song on her IPOD, that used to belong to Taylor, this song:

(Lennon/McCartney)


Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Mm mm mm mm mm.

 

I must be an open book! We both sang that song so loud- and a few tears on my end.

We got home, she left to go see her boyfriend and I sat down, alone, sad, missing yesterday. Wondering where I put that box that has my 'home' in it, and if I can ever find it again.

 

July 3, 2010

For some reason, I have this corny love song in my head since we moved last week. This isn't unusual, I guess, maybe I'm not the only one.

But The Way We Were, by Barbara Streisand, is in my head! I can't get it out! I guess it's a repressed feeling. So much has changed not only in the past month of selling and moving- Tom going to the lake while Tara and I try and figure it out in an apartment- but these past 2 1/2 years. I swear if you gave me 5,000 guesses as to where I would be sitting right now and the things that have happened to our business, family, home life, living arrangements, financially... I would NOT have imagined this senario. And if you told me what was to come I'd not be able to fathom how one could go through all that and still have any sanity. And call you a liar.

But here I sit. I know many people live the life I've lived, endured more change, hearbreak and tragedy than me. But those things happened to 'other people'. The ones you say "bless their heart" to. And thank God that it's not you. So now I'm in that club. Became the 'other people'.

I've searched my soul these past few weeks. I continue to find places that I look at now and regret. What I thought I was, and who I actually became. I think that I may be on a 'more better' healing path. I hope so. I have relationships to repair, feelings I need to face, stop some things and start others. And I want it to happen now. But if it took 2 1/2 years to get 'here' I imagine it will take more than today...

Mem'ries,
Light the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? Could we?
Mem'ries, may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...
The way we were...
Here's to the laughter, God knows I need some...
 
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