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October 21, 2012

Finally got a charger for the computer. Something so small sure has been a large source of problems.

But it's all probably good, these past few weeks have been very hard. The 5th anniversary of Taylor's accident and death takes up about a month of my life. Just like clockwork, sometime in September I just start getting that feeling, tears start coming more easily, memories come back, dreams...

Then October comes and this year the days were the days that year, thursday of the accident, following friday his actual death and sunday the funeral.

Talked to another mom who lost her son the 28th of October the same year as Taylor. Her son was at Taylor's funeral.

She mentioned that the same day thing was bothering her too. She was at church when her husband called her to tell her. She didn't want to go to church this time.

Funny how I cant remember where I set my sell phone but I can tell you exactly the events of that time with acute detail.

I woke up the morning of the 4th at exactly the time Taylor was falling through that window. 3:30 am. 5 years later and on that day I just rewind.

Kinda wondering if that will ever stop, as years go on....

...kinda hope they don't....

Miss you son... still, and the tears I cry today carry more love than they did 5 years ago. Save a place for me.....mommie

August 27, 2012

Happy 19th birthday Tara.

You now are officially older than your older brother. Kinda happened 6 months ago, but being 18 it isn't the same as being the next number, 19.

I wonder if you will think about that. Or if you did 6 months ago.

It's not the kind of thing I could just say to you, "so how does it feel to be older than he ever was? To have more education, to have completed more in life than him?" Even though I wouldn't mean it hurtful, it's just what I think about as the mother. I want to talk about stuff like this. Not being able to talk about some of the stuff in your head that only one other person can understand.

So, I just keep it to myself, in my own head and pretend that nothing is changing.

I'm so proud of you Tara and I think about the relationship you would have with Taylor now. If you would've gone to a different college if he had lived. The life we live now is so much different than the course we were on in 2007.

But I will keep all these things to myself.

Please stay safe, dream big, believe in yourself, do good things, embrace this life in all the things that come your way- good and bad.

Like my favorite Jimmy Buffet song, "He want to Paris"..."Some of it was magic- some of it tragic- but I had a good life all the way."

July 16, 2012

Whew...

Moved finally. This summer has been yet another whirlwind of activity.

I'm just tired of moving. Lived in our last house 10 years. The last 2 we've moved into and out of an apartment, into and out of a storage unit, into and out of the lake at Waterloo. As well as the stuff moved into and out of my mom's.

Moving the stuff out of the 24 foot storage building I found that half of that was 'memories'. Photo albums, christmas decorations, school momentos from the kids from birth actually, games we haven't played in forever, baby books, barbie dolls, x-men.....

And Taylor's 'life'. Clothes, things from his dresser, even his toothbrushes....

Just packed it up from the old house just like we were moving him to the next place. The only way I could handle boxing up his life, knowing that I'd probably never unpack it again. But thinking that I would made it doable.

And the 50 pound box of his old Gamepro magazines. I had asked him on his last visit to the house, if I could get rid of them, since they were so old and nothing that he would ever look at anymore, and he said no. He wanted them still.

So I packed them up and plan on taking them everywhere I go until I go home.

Tom doesn't understand all this. He would comment about every box of what he didn't understand as stuff you would 'keep',much less haul around.

So I tried to carry all the boxes marked "Taylor clothes", "stuff from his dresser", "graduation things", "bathroom stuff", and "Gamepro magazines".

Now we have this 3 bedroom house, one for me and Tom, one for Tara and one, I just don't know what to do with it. I'm trying not to make it into a replica of his old bedroom, but the desire to unpack his clothes put them in a dresser is hard to ignore.

Greatful for a new home, a new start since the vagabond living we've been in since we sold our home 2 years ago. Maybe that is the best case, if we had've moved from that house to this one would be super tough. Enough time has passed that has distanced that loss of a life we thought was perfect.

June 12, 2012

Let's try again....

I've been unable to write for several months, I don't know what's wrong with the computer. Maybe it's Waterloo, signal so weak and slow it can't post what I say. Maybe it's Taylor's computer that I've been using since he passed away, coming up on 5 years now. I don't know how many people keep using a laptop that is 5 years old. I don't know what I wil do the day it won't do anymore. Just another thing out of my life that connects me to him.

Had a dream about Taylor last night. I dream of him not alot, but enough to make me know that in my quiet sleeping moments he comes to me even when during the day I shove those thoughts to the corners. I guess this dream came due to a mother and her son, a rising senior at Clemson. He reminded me of my relationship I had with Taylor. They were friends. He was smart, witty and if Taylor had had the chance to be 21 I thought they'd be on the same level. She was pretty, like I thought I used to be, getting him glasses and sunglasses and contact lenses. She was proud of her son, he was going to Italy to study abroad soon.

So I guess I dreamed about Taylor coming back to me, still 18 and thankfully his 'friends' gone and out of the picture. He was going to a a new school, been accepted at NASA for whatever reason to study something big. He was on a debate team and had it all together, even though there was a feeling that he had been hurt, but that he was back non the less. We were setting Tara and Taylor up in their apartments for the school year. Then I guess the dream ended I don't remember much after that.

Now I sit here on a rainy sunday in Waterloo. Just me and Tom.

Tara has decided to get engaged, I don't know if that news is one of the things that I couldn't post, gee I've had so much to go on and I feel like I'm disconnected from everything.

But that news has pierced our hearts. I feel like the next 3 years of me and Tom and Tara have been ripped from us. We were just getting this 3 family member thing kinda limping along vs the crawling on elbows we had been doing the past 4 years.

Now we have a boy wanting to take our baby girl away...forever.

I'm not ready for that. But at least she is here on this side of heaven. I guess I'll take that with a swallow of gratefulness.

Hope this one posts, fingers crossed.......

April 16, 2012

The 5th annual blood drive in Taylor's memory with his brothers from Theta Delta Chi was held monday in Columbia at USC.

An emotional day. He should've graduated this past year and all his classmates are gone this year. Some of them good riddence. Most, like his fraternity brothers who have helped keep Taylor's memory alive and help support our charity with an annual golf tournament, those I cherish.

We collected 105 pints of blood between 11-6. 2 busses going and 12 nurses on speed drive!

To see these kids sitting outside in the heat, for up to an hour, just to donate blood, continue to touch my heart in such a way, it makes me proud of all of them.

Selfless, compassionate, and giving- something that when I was their age, I didn't understand. Not that I wasn't a decent person, but that level of sacrifice, I mean 18 and being scared of needles and the whole process of like one kid said, "I'm here to give away some blood!"

God bless them all,

and

Happy Birthday Taylor. <3 love from all 105 of us.

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