Taylors Helping Hands is a charitable organization dedicated to the memory of Taylor E Cothran.

  2 Corinthians 1:2-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Churst, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."(NIV)


Home Moms Blog

December 10, 2010

Note to self: JESUS is the reason for the season.

Not Teresa.

I find myself, as I usually do, silently hating anything Christmas.

Working at the mall saturday they were playing- loudly- "All I want for Christmas is you" by Maria Carey. It's a fast upbeat groovy tune that had my co-workers in the store singing and dancing.

In MY head I'm saying- "yeah, all I want for Christmas is my son, my old life back. Why is this music SO freaking LOUD! Yeah, I wish I was singing and all jolly, but all I really want right now is for someone to TURN this OFF!!!"

All the ads for the cool new gadgets I should be buying for a child. Shopping with my sister at Toys R Us looking for my nephew a gift- I just got mad at all the parents buying all the nifty gifts I used to buy when my kids were at that TRU age. That one store was where Santa shopped! Hadn't been in there in years- well actually the last time I was there was Christmas eve-eve 2006.

Tom had a great idea to buy up all the Tickle me Elmos in October and sell them for top dollar. However he missed the high bids by waiting too long and by Dec 23, no one was interested.

So, with poster board signs he took Taylor and me in the pick up to sit outside TRU and make some deals. Poor Taylor, Tom had 'sold' him on sharing in the profits of this once great deal turned desperate.

Well, we got kicked out of the parking lot and never did sell any Elmos. And that was our last Christmas and the last time I entered the doors of TRU.

But I realized the other day- the REAL reason we do any of this- used to be to celebrate Christ's birth. Somehow even though we wear the pins "Jesus is the reason", we all get swept up in the gift giving and the shopping and the decorations.

I'm sure Jesus is ok with that, he loves a party.

But I don't think he's so happy that I've turned his birth into a death. A death of my son, my life, my time buying gifts and decorating- "Jesus- WHAT ABOUT ME?????"

He told me that if not for Christmas, there'd be no heaven, no forgiveness, no hope. Because of Christmas there is hope.

Each day is a battle, but I'm trying to try to think about what is actually going on during December. Getting ready for the birth of hope.

Merry Christmas son.

 

 

November 27, 2010

Can I say I am not excited about the Clemson vs USC football game today?

Everyone in this state, epecially in Greenville, being so close to both places, is out today in full orange or garnet. Cars with the flags flying, facebook friends expressing their hope in being the winner of bragging rites for the year, while the loser says "wait till next year".

Me, I'm hoping USC loses because if course that's where Taylor had his accident. After a football game. I trusted my son to Columbia.

Now I see the stupidity of that statement. I was as nieve as he was. Assuming that kids go off to college and that's that. But so much goes on- everywhere- not just Columbia and not only in S.C.

But I'm here 4 years later and he's not. I know he would be so excited, USC's done so well this year, expected to tromp the Tigers. His senior year and feeling the pride of his Gamecocks. I think about all the things he would've done by now, the places he would've gone, what he would be planning on doing 'the rest of his life'. Maybe engaged! Maybe we would have had his love over for thanksgiving, planning on christmas.

Maybe Tara would be planning on going to USC. She's not even interested in applying. She's hoping to go to Clemson. Funny, that was never an option before.

So, I'll watch anything but the game tonight. Silently hoping for an upset. Even though I kind of feel unfaithful to his college. But then again, in my mind, it was unfaithful to me.

Bleah. Go Tigers.

One of the few games he had as a Gamecock. :(

 

 

November 21, 2010

It is that time of year. Full force into the holidays. I don't talk as much about me and my issues, but I hope I speak as all parents faced with another season trapped in a world where life is still whole, the worst case senario is still just a bad dream, but still not reality.

Where you have loved ones still walking the earth, trying to be what they need, but in the back of your mind, wincing at the reality of the one(s) gone forever on this side of life.

Saw Sally Jesse Raphael (sorry for the spelling Sally) on Tv yesterday. In 1992 I believe, her daughter died. She said it still hurts, you never get over it, nothing is ever the same. But she continued to move ahead, worked, lived, went through 16 holiday seasons before I became a part of her club.

I said that this holiday season I'm doing 'better'. I firmly believe that you should move from your past home and into an apartment where you just hang out till you move again. No memories, no looking at the neighbors who seem to out do themselves and each other with festive lighted reindeer, wreaths, lights, nativity scenes, blow up snowmen, ect...

Don't have to be a on looker to the holiday partes that you don't get invited to anymore.

Pity party, table for 1 this way!!!

Anyway, I think this year I may get a live tree. I left the artifical one we used for too many christmases at the curb of our old house.

A small one, 3-4 feet. Put it on the kitchen table, just like my grandmother did- haha-!

But, for the 3rd christmas, one decorating tree hasn't changed. The one at Taylor's marker. Silly, but at least I'm in a group of lots of other marker decorating at Woodlawn.

And at least no lighted reindeer, blow up snowmen...

Merry Christmas son. It's hard to see all the groovy things you would love this year. Technology is gone insane in 3 years. Wii games with no controllers, cell phones that you get internet on, Ipads, E-readers, the new internet games you used to love playing and guitar hero has changed so much. Tara has her list going, and I love shopping for her, but I sure do miss my boy shopping. Sure do.

 

November 8, 2010

Am I beginning to forget or forgetting to remember?

I don't know if I even remember the fall of 2007. I only remember wishing I could just go to sleep and wake up either better or to my old life. Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year all almost in rapid sucession from October 11.

Is there a 'better' time of year to die? I don't think so, but staring down the 4 'biggies' within about 6 weeks certainly would be in David Lettermans top 10 of worst.

I remember I had already bought the kids their annual ornaments, this particualar year it was a no brainer- I got Taylor a USC football one. I was already online shopping for the TDX fraternity and USC themed gifts I could get when it got 'closer' to time.

But this USC football ornament he would never see. And I didn't go back to the online shopping for his gifts. It was painful enough to try and get things for Tara. She felt, like we all did that gifts didn't seem to be what we wanted. What we wanted, was Taylor back.

We ran from thanksgiving, went to Virginia Beach with Tom's sister's family. Ocean front, beautiful, but even that was 'wrong'. You can't run away from the pain.

Christmas we did 'normally'. Tara wanted to be home even though we talked about running away from that too. We went through the motions, but it wasn't fun or good. Tara was gracious about her gifts, but she didn't react to her normal self of getting gifts, one of her favorite things.

She would usually write 15 lists, starting about her birthday in August, and after christmas about 45 lists for her birthday, there was always a gift wish list somewhere for her.

Then we roll around to 2008, 2009 and now 2010.

Maybe it's that we're in the apartment, no memories- in fact we've not lived here through the holidays- or watching the neighbors living their normal lives while we try and exist in it- remembering when we were normal. 

But this year I'm not exactly happy about the coming 'happy' holidays, but I'm not where I was.

I hate to write the words, but I'm almost 'used' to not being normal, that we've 'adjusted' at least on the surface to not having Taylor in our world anymore.

I'm not sure I'm happy about that, I don't want to adjust to that.

But, time, maybe doesn't heal all wounds- but it really helps in the distance it takes you from the original pain.

I still dream about him, I'm so glad I do, 

THAT I hope- time never takes away from me.

Taylor Cothran, class of 2007.                                          Tara Cothran, class of 2011

My beautiful children! :)

 

October 28, 2010

I'll be in hiding until sunday night.

Silly actually, but it's Halloween.

Got called by 2 different stores needing my help working saturday and sunday. Totally shocked and surprised that I said yes to both.

 "you understand it's halloween right?" "yeah". "really? so you're not celebrating it?"

Uh, no.

First of all my kids are past Halloween. That was another life. I have 18 years of Halloween photos. Tara not so much interested in the past couple years (duh), but Taylor was a great lover of costumes and reveled in the fun and attention that he got. His last halloween he was Ron Burgundy from Anchor Man. He was so good at memorizing the lines from the movie, got his custume from Goodwill, so proud of his likeness to Ron.

While in the hospital a girl I didn't know told him that he was supposed to be a lamb with her that year, to her Little Bo Peep. SO TAYLOR-like!

He never got the chance to be that little lamb. And we've forgotten to celebrate Halloween.

Silly actually.

 
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